Hammer Time: The Beater And The Better

"Steven Lang" (StevenLang)
09/09/2016 at 13:24 • Filed to: None

Most families I know own two types of vehicles.

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There’s the beater that simply gets driven without a solitary care in the world. With beaters, the cleaning is always optional and the lead foot and drinking cups of other family members comes standard.

Then there is the ‘better’ car. The one that offers a lot more show and is regularly restricted to those kinfolk who appreciate the care and concern of a nicer ride.

Or to put it another way, those owners who bought the damn car for a thousand dollar monthly payment over the next seven years, and don’t want to share their ride with any careless family member or self-serving friend that will inevitably fuck it all up.

Guess which one I like to drive every day?

If you said beater, well, you’re right. But not for the reasons you would expect.

I buy cars for a living at the dealer auctions and in my world, the ‘good’ older car is a rare find while the new stuff is more common than unsold tickets at a Yoko Ono concert.

For every 20 year old Jeep that hasn’t already been trashed all too hell, there are at least 150 Chevy Impala rental cars accompanied by 150 more Dodge Grand Caravans that have been herded in and toe tagged for the low-end tote the note dealers.

The older metal offers all the fun.... and three times the risk. Take for instance this 1989 Jeep Cherokee Wagoneer Limited that’s been sitting around in the inop section for a month as a charity donation. The inop section is where cars that don’t run get picked apart for their few valuable components, crushed, sent overseas, and are recycled into Chinese washing machines.

They may just have a minor engine issue that requires some basic knowledge of the model’s weak points. Or, it could really be a rolling turd that’s worth more dead than alive. You never know until about a week after you buy it.

Got three hundred bucks? Well, sometimes you don’t even need that much to find yourself a time warp of a daily driver that’s more fun on the road than most of today’s rolling lemmings. But you do take the type of risk that doesn’t make you rich in this business. Unless your sense of richness has to do with reliving 1980s nostalgia with a toolbox on the ready.

Let me give you an example. This is what I bought for all of $200.

This 1994 Dodge Grand Caravan SE has only one accurate word in its description - Dodge. As in folks dodge right by me as I putz around in it and haul whatever I need in an enclosed space. I bought it for $200 at a dealer auction along with a $65 buy fee, and with that came a few (cough!) deletions.

The second and third seats are missing. Gone! Kaput! In its place is an old battery and six cupholders that I can use to hold screws, nuts, bolts, and dime bags.

Back in the 1990s, a car with SE trim could still mean roll down windows. A lot of SEs and GTs were really just trim packages that offered nicer seats and exterior touches. This particular owner decided to use black permanent marker to hide all the scratches and dings on those bulbous black bumpers, and you know what? It works if you’re too old to care.

And so did this van until one day six miles from home, the alternator decided to impersonate one of those from Autozone that always comes with a ‘Limited Lifetime Warranty’. I was able to coast it onto a parking lot and ordered a reman unit for all of sixty-bucks. A dozen bolts and an hour of sweating in the Georgia sun, and I was back on the road.

Two weeks later I had a guy come to my house an hour before our scheduled time to look at it. Why did he want it so much? Well, I was selling it for a thousand bucks and he had a longing to reconstruct his favorite vehicle of the past, which turned out to be twenty-two year old Plymouth minivan. This Dodge is really a Plymouth. Or maybe the Plymouth is really a Dodge.

Either way, he got the money and I went to the auctions and found another rolling time warp.

This one is a 1990 Chrysler New Yorker with the same 3.3 Liter engine that was in the minivan. It drinks. It smokes, and it hangs around with the bad boys and for $500, it’s all mine.

My future is looking pretty plush these days. On this one, I apparently won’t have to worry about the alternator at all since the prior owner replaced it. I’ll just worry about everything else attached to it.

DISCUSSION (12)

boredalways > Steven Lang
09/09/2016 at 13:34

Good read.

How much for the Volvo? S70 or something else?

Dru > Steven Lang
09/09/2016 at 15:08

But what about that Jeep tho?

Decay buys too many beaters > Steven Lang
09/09/2016 at 15:23

This is what I do, only slightly newer. Been on a early 2000's luxury kick for the past few years.

Steven Lang > Dru
09/09/2016 at 15:41

Believe it or not, that one ended up going through a dog fight at the auction.

A guy with similar tastes bid me up past a thousand bucks. I had to let it go but I’m still a bit fond of the look. It’s been more than a decade since I saw another one like that at the auctions.

Jonee > Steven Lang
09/09/2016 at 16:38

Man, I’d love to find a Wagoneer of that vintage with the stacked headlights, wood, and those seats, my god. That’s the last Dick Teague design to go into production and it was a masterpiece.

Under_Score > Steven Lang
09/09/2016 at 16:43

Good to see you back on the Internet again, Steve! I pass by your lot driving around on a regular basis, and I love seeing the unique cars you have for sale. I think I just saw that old Chrysler yesterday.

mad.anthony > Steven Lang
09/09/2016 at 16:48

This Dodge is really a Plymouth. Or maybe the Plymouth is really a Dodge.

It looks like someone put the grill from a Plymouth Voyager on that Dodge Caravan, so that’s pretty accurate. The Dodge had the “gunsight” grill with the 4 squares, the Plymouth had the horizontal grill like the picture, and the Chrysler had the vertical “waterfall” grill.

Steven Lang > Under_Score
09/09/2016 at 18:10

Thanks! I hope everything is good in your world as well.

Flyboy is FAA certified insane > Steven Lang
09/09/2016 at 20:04

I love doing this stuff. I’ve stuck to Craigslist for my finds mainly because there wasn’t a good auction near me in PA. I’m hoping to find a good place like this in Florida to scour for beater flips.

Stef Schrader > Steven Lang
09/10/2016 at 14:59

That New Yorker is pimpin’.

Steven Lang > Stef Schrader
09/11/2016 at 12:42

Thanks! Most of the pimpin’ rides here in Georgia are held together with duct tape, thumbtacks, heavy-duty staples, and recycled cardboard to hold the headlights in place.

This one is apparently held together with old man’s glue. So much of it that I’ve already named it Elmer.

All the best!

Roadster Man > Steven Lang
09/16/2016 at 11:23

Those front seats are NICE.